hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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