i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
