I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
