38 yer olds are good kisserssss
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize