Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize