Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
