you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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