apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize