I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
