I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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