This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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