EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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