Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
