I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
