do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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