You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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