Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
