you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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