I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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