Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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