So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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