I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
