Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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