I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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