i just made my gag reflex go away.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
