"it" just moved
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
