I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
