nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
