im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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