took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
