I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My cat gives me a boner
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize