I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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