4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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