I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
