you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
