I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
