If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
