Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
