Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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