She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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