do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
