I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
