last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
