i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
