textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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