new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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