i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
