The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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