i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is it because I queefed?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
