He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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