This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
