Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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