By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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