I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
