dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
