hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
