so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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