My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
