so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
