I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
