life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
