I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
