Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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