I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
