The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
