Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
