hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
