You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
