she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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